Hello again! Laura, here. I want to start with a couple of thank yous. First, to Megan, for making me feel so at home here at SortaCrunchy. And second, to all of the SortaCrunchy readers, who have welcomed me so warmly and who have blown both of us away with your enthusiasm, support, profound wisdom, and valuable input in our "As He Leads Us" discussion posts so far.
Over the next two or three weeks, we'd like to open up a discussion on one of the central issues of parenthood in the first year...sleep! Megan and I want to share with you our perspectives on the methods and attitudes encouraged by the mainstream Christian parenting viewpoint, and also discuss the joys and struggles found in approaching infants sleep issues from a servanthood mindset. And we hope you will join the discussion, sharing your own thoughts and experiences, whether or not you come out at the same place we do on all of this.
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As I shared in my story a few weeks back, I had every intention of doing things by-the-book when I was expecting my first baby. And being someone who loves my sleep (I mean LOVES it!), I was quite concerned about all of these nighttime interruptions that I was told to expect once he or she arrived. The idea of sleep training seemed reasonable to me at the time. I figured it would be hard to listen to my baby cry, but understood from what I had read that it was for the greater good. My husband and I would keep the upper hand in our home, and we'd ensure that we didn't end up with a spoiled child or one who would end up with sleep issues later in childhood.
When the time came, though, to begin this regimen, I found that I could no longer fathom the notion. I was exhausted, sure. But I just couldn't do it. And rather than accept at the time what I know now - that God was leading me down a different path - I felt intense guilt, even shame, over my inability to do this the "right" way. I was a somewhat pathetic little rebel.
Over time, as I began to recognize God's guidance and become more confident in our decision to forgo the conventional route, I began to examine more closely the objections I had to the methodology and mindset found in Babywise and other parenting guides. I certainly took issue with the idea of letting a young baby cry-it-out, and now firmly believed that an infant is incapable of learning the lesson behind the sleep training routines. But I had discovered two concerns which grieved my heart perhaps more than any others.
The first is one which I see manifested in the following examples of things I've heard from mothers of babies since I've become a parent myself...
(From the mother of a 10-week-old) "I can't believe it's time to start sleep training already. I'm dreading it. But if we don't start now, he'll never learn to fall asleep on his own..."
(From the mother of a five-month-old) "She's been waking up at night, so I've had to just let her cry. I hate doing that, but she shouldn't need to wake up in the night anymore...she's supposed to be sleeping at least eight hours by now, right?"
(And from my own lips, spoken to my husband when Maya was about seven months old.) "I'm so afraid I'm messing her up for life by nursing her when she cries at night. It feels right to me, but it's so wrong according to everyone else and everything I read. I guess I'm just not strong enough..."
Do you know what I see now as I look back at these statements? I see fear.
Fear that a two-and-a-half-month baby boy might be settling into a battle with his parents over control of their home.
Fear that a baby girl's night waking must be due to a behavioral problem, as it certainly couldn't be developmentally age-appropriate.
Fear that I must lack an important Godly mothering quality and am therefore incapable of doing the "right" thing.
For some Christian mothers, this fear of not being able to follow a program which fits in with a parenting series called “Growing Kids God’s Way,” this pervasive reliance on fear to drive parenting choices can even lead some mothers to fear for the child’s future salvation. Megan’s friend Jenny shared an insight into this when she told us, “I had this thought after reading Babywise - if I didn’t get this schedule thing down, Eli could go to Hell. Yep. I actually thought that because to me the schedule was the way God wanted Him to live. If I was not able to do this from the beginning then I would mess up the rest of his life and be an utter failure.”
What's wrong with my baby? What's wrong with me?
What I didn't yet understand at the time of each of the above conversations, and what Megan and I now are both so eager to tell new mothers who are asking themselves these questions, is that the answer to each is a resounding...nothing.
To the mother who dreads the idea of sleep training her infant son...There is nothing wrong with taking another route. (And he will most definitely learn to fall asleep on his own eventually!)
To the mother who worries that her daughter is exhibiting unusual behavior by waking at night...Oh friend, that's SO normal! Completely, physiologically normal and appropriate.
To the mothers (like me, like Jenny, like countless others) who carry the weight of shame over her discomfort with allowing her baby to cry...There is nothing wrong with you. You have not let down your family, your baby, or your Lord. You're simply looking for another way. And there is another way.
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And then there is the other element of the sleep-training philosophy which grieves me...
The very attitude which you are encouraged to take toward your baby.
Drawing the battle lines, steeling up your offensive, and gearing up for a nightly struggle for authority. Don't give an inch or you'll never get it back. Stay strong, Mama.
It seems as though you are to view your baby as your adversary.
In discussing this topic with Megan, she relayed to me this memory...
“I can specifically remember when Dacey was an infant in those second to fourth months or so, every day I would wake up, just dreading the day because I felt like I was going to have to 'do battle' with her again. I remember that phrase specifically. Do battle. With my baby. Over sleep. It makes me so sad all over again. As she plays and talks and flits about this morning, I know it obviously did not have a lasting effect on her. I still just feel so sad for my new mama self . . . all those days . . . wasted.”
Megan and I both have many friends and family members who have embraced sleep-training methods in their homes and been completely comfortable with the way that it works for them. While we may disagree in practice, we certainly respect their decisions and the way that God has led them to parent their babies. Our concern is that it seems that so often as we've spoken to friends who are wrestling with sleep issues, there exists a clear lack of peace; a conflict between mind and heart. "I feel [this], but I have to do [that]." It is those mothers in whom Megan and I see ourselves, and who we desire to reassure (as we wish someone had done for us) that it's okay.
I simply cannot believe that God would desire any mother to parent out of the place of fear, or to view her baby as an adversary.
You see, I have trouble reconciling the idea of drawing the battle lines between my infant and myself with what I see as I ponder the ways in which God parents me - His child, His unique creation. I come to him with constant needs and requests, a frequent lack of ability to understand, a long and growing list of failings and areas of immaturity. And what does He do? He lavishes love and grace upon me. He pours His presence into my life in every moment that I open myself up to receive it. He is a constant source of comfort and my unshakable certainty. He expects growth from me, without a doubt. But He never demands more from me than I am able to give at the time. He does not withhold Himself from me in an effort to maintain His authority in my life. In fact, it is His kindness that leads me to repentance (Romans 2:4).
Looking also at the life of Christ, as He discipled the twelve who followed Him most closely, He led them with unending patience, loving them through their doubt and inability to comprehend, modeling the very essence of a servant's heart, kneeling beside the table to wash their feet. And yet, so powerful was His authority over them that they would give up everything (including, ultimately, their lives) to follow Him.
With all of the reasons He would have to hold me at arms length, my God chooses to hold me close. Never treating me as an adversary; rejoicing over me as His precious child.
This is how He leads me. And while I will always fall far short of the example He sets for me as the perfect parent, I want to spend my days (and nights) of mothering doing my very best to follow that lead.
(Megan’s note: This is a longer post than we generally share, and one with several key elements essential to understanding our motivation to write this book. This will be the only post up on SortaCrunchy this week, so please feel free to take all the time you need in sharing your feedback. We are eager to hear your response!)
