Good Monday morning, all! Today Laura is back (yay!) with a post on a topic we alluded to in our post on practical ways to manage the drain nighttime parenting can take on our physical and mental health. Don't forget each Monday I'm breaking my closed comments fast so that we can continue our parenting discussions here!
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Oftentimes, when I approach today's discussion topic, I feel as though I'm making a confession...(Ok, deep breath now...)
Sometimes our children sleep in our bed.
Whew. Okay, so that's out on the table. Now I'll expand a bit.
We never pictured ourselves as co-sleepers. Not because we were against the practice; it just wasn't something we ever planned on implementing personally. However, one night when Maya was about nine months old, I kept her in our bed after a nighttime feeding out of pure exhaustion. And the result? Oh my WORD. Sleep! More sleep! We dozed much longer into the morning than had been our recent experience, and woke up feeling all snuggly and rested and...well, content. Over the next six months or so, we'd often co-sleep part-time, meaning that Maya would begin the night in her crib and end it in bed with us. It was a perfect arrangement for us, and one which we eventually transitioned out of as Maya began to grow out of her nighttime waking. I actually found myself feeling a little bit sad as the phase ended, missing those cuddly mornings where Mark and I would wake up and smile at each other over our little girl's sweet, sleepy head as she dozed between us.
So why do I feel nervous sometimes bringing up the subject of co-sleeping among friends in my Christian circles? It seems as though that is where I find the most resistance to the idea. My suggestion of part-time co-sleeping to other moms who are struggling with sleep issues with their kids is often met with wide eyes, an emphatic shake of the head, and an insistent, "No, I could never do that. That's my place with my husband."
Now, I completely understand why co-sleeping wouldn't be right for everyone. Whether it's due to safety concerns, or even just personal preference, I completely respect the decision of parents who decide against bringing their children into their bed. What bothers me is the sense that there are many mothers, many families who would not even allow themselves to fully consider this option, out of a feeling that there is something inherently wrong, even un-Christian, about co-sleeping.
It truly puzzles me. There is certainly no Biblical argument against the practice. If I attempt to deconstruct the negative responses I've received in conversations on this subject, I am left with the sense that the aversion to co-sleeping stems from a fear that marital intimacy (in all of it's forms) will be compromised by the arrangement. That the status of the husband/wife relationship will be knocked from it's berth as the primary one in the family if children are allowed to invade the sleeping space. While I wholeheartedly agree that the marriage relationship must be nurtured, honored, protected, and held in the highest regard, and while I would certainly encourage every couple to take any means necessary to preserve the intimacy in their marriage, I'm convinced that those principles and the practice of co-sleeping need not be mutually exclusive. Is sex (by the way, a topic we'll be specifically tackling here in the next few weeks!) the concern? If so, I'd suggest from personal experience that there are plenty of ways to ensure that this aspect of the marriage remains healthy and vibrant, and that any necessary creativity only serves to contribute to the cause. Beyond that, though, I believe that my relationship with my husband grows in strength and intimacy as we live life alongside each other; seeking the Lord's will and guidance as we raise our family, make big decisions, and walk through trying times; giving thanks together and celebrating life's joys; caring for each other through illness, grief, and transition; laughing, crying, and growing together; and yes, spending plenty of time alone as a couple. None of these things are dependent on where we sleep at night, or whether we do so alone.
My views on this matter were put to the test when our son was born, and little Noah decided from day one that he preferred not to sleep unless he was being cuddled. So once again, we just did what worked. And that meant (long story) that for the first five months of his life, Noah and I bunked out together in the living room. I didn't share a bed at night with my husband at all during that time. And it honestly didn't bother me, even though I sometimes missed our bed or sleeping next to Mark. Our sleeping arrangements had no ill effect on our relationship, because - let's face it - we don't really bond that well when we're unconscious. And honestly, I was so much better rested than I would have been had I been climbing in and out of bed four or five times a night to feed and soothe an infant, which translated into my serving as a much more pleasant partner for Mark during the daytime hours. I found once again that as we provided for our child's unique needs and sought God's wisdom in doing so, I felt more intimately connected with my husband than ever, in every respect. And once again, the transition out of this stage was surprisingly smooth, as Noah was suddenly ready for crib-sleeping one day. And again...I missed him a little bit at night for awhile.
Some families choose to co-sleep full-time, some to use a part-time system as we did, and some choose not to do so at all. My thoughts? Sort of the same as my thoughts on most every choice we face as we parent. Consider your child's unique needs, seek the Lord's guidance, take note of the safety precautions that should come with bringing a baby into your bed, and above all - just do what works for your family. Oh, and nurture your marriage...during the waking hours. (We'll address marriage more closely next week.)
What are your thoughts? Care to share your co-sleeping experiences? Or your decision not to co-sleep? Comments are open, all opinions are more than welcome, and we look forward to the discussion!
(For more information on safe co-sleeping guidelines, please refer to API's page on safe infant sleep and the AskDrSears.com article on Sleeping Safely With Your Baby.)
