SortaCrunchy

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 4

(This is the third installment in a series I originally envisioned as two posts.  Posts preceding this one include Part 1, Part 1.5, Part 2, and Part 3.)

With many apologies, I simply have to say one more thing before I move into my closing thoughts on Mr. Ezzo, Babywise, and something significant the Lord revealed to me about this whole topic in the past week.

I've noticed as I've read through the comments and feedback from the few brave and admirable souls who have shared their families' positive experiences with incorporating the Babywise methods into their approaches for baby care: most of the positive feedback had to do with the benefits of a feeding schedule.  As I have shared earlier, I personally have little argument against this concept.  I've seen it work just fine for my oldest child, and I know from my personal experience that demand-feeding can work just fine, too.

But.

There is one aspect of the Babywise method that I simply and utterly cannot - will not - stand in agreement with, nor am I able to close this series without speaking to it: cry-it-out infant sleep training.

As I look over the past four and a half years and the passionate interest in all things parenting that has grown in my heart since I became a mama, I am filled with gratitude that God sent to me a high-needs, non-independent sleeper for my first child.  Had He sent me Aliza Joy first, I know my thoughts on this matter would have been decidedly more smug.  Ironically, AJ would have been a model Babywise baby.  Although as a toddler she is gloriously wild and untamed soul, she was an extremely easy, laid-back, "angel" baby.  I could have (and sometimes did) put her down to nap or for the night fully awake and she would have been content to drift off to sleep on her own.  This was not a result of anything I did - it was simply her temperament.

It was with her big sister, however, that I earned my stripes in the trenches of infant sleep.

Beginning at two weeks old, she simply would not nap longer than forty-five minutes at a time.  This threw our whole Eat-Play-Sleep schedule completely out of whack.  I read every infant sleep book recommended to me - no kidding, every single one, except for The No-Cry-Sleep-Solution, which puzzlingly no one told me about - and I tried a myriad of suggestions to get her to sleep longer than forty-five minutes at a time.  Had I been a veteran mom, I would have known that The Dreaded Forty-Five Minute Naps is actually quite common, and that I could just go with it and her naps would consolidate into longer stretches when she was an older baby (six months was the magic milestone for Dace).

So not only did we have the nap issue, there was also the going to sleep issue.  Every single time I tried to lay her down to sleep when she was drowsy but still awake, absolute desperate screaming would ensue.  What Babywise didn't prepare me for was the physiological reaction that would manifest itself in me each time I walked out of her bedroom as she lay there, screaming for me - my heart would race, my hands shook, I absolutely could not think about anything else other than the overpowering and overwhelming urge to go in and pick her up and soothe her.  The only things that worked for Dacey were the three things that Babywise labels as "potentially harmful" - nursing, rocking, and sharing sleep.

You know, as a more experienced mama, I can look at that paragraph and think, "So what?  So you have to rock her to sleep?  Big deal.  She was fine!  Look at her - she is a totally normal, completely developmentally on track preschooler now.  It's FINE!"  As a brand new mama, as I rocked her in that rocking chair, an internal battle raged.  I knew I could get her to fall asleep peacefully if I rocked her.  Yet in my head, a voice-over reminded me of everything Mr. Ezzo had said about these techniques.  Things like, "Parents don't need to be in bondage to their baby's sleep needs," and "None of the sleep manipulation methods offer any healthy advantages" and "Why use sleep association props in the first place, when a basic routine will naturally enhance restful sleep?"

Oh yes.  There it was.  The heart of my struggle.  I was faithfully following our Eat-Awake-Sleep schedule.  Faithfully.  That part was working fine.  Mr. Ezzo writes in the chapter on "Hunger and Sleep Cycles" that, "There is a direct relationship between regular daytime feeding periods and nighttime sleep patterns."  Poor little Marissa, the demand-fed baby, will have great difficulty sleeping through the night because of the unpredictability of her daytime feeding.  But, Chelsea, on the other hand sleeps great! 

On page 51 of the 1995 edition of Babywise, Mr. Ezzo writes

One of the most obvious benefits of parent-directed feeding is the establishment of stable nighttime sleep patterns.  That means your baby sleeps all night, along with the rest of the family.  Healthy, full-term babies are born with the ability to sleep continuously for seven to eight hours during the night, usually within eight weeks.  Much of your success will depend on your parenting philosophies and feeding practices.  (emphasis mine)

I was following the schedule but having no success.  The only part of his approach to parenting an infant I couldn't force myself to do was leave her to cry alone.  It didn't work.  There was no self-soothing, there was only increased hysteria. 

I became consumed with sleep and lack thereof.  Instead of treasuring what I now know are fleeting and precious days of newborn sweetness, I filled out painstakingly detailed sleep journals and read book after book and website after website that offered all manner of solution for her "problems."  I was bitter and resentful of my baby and her inability to just do what the book said she would do and I was drowning in self-loathing for not being tough enough to let her cry it out.

I have written tons on this.  Many of you have read it before from me.  I just want to make clear that when many people hear Babywise, they think scheduled feeding.  When I hear Babywise, I think baby screaming.

I now believe some of the advice and assurances Mr. Ezzo offers about leaving a baby to cry to sleep is misleading and dangerous.  The main issue I have is that he makes absolutely no distinction between a nine day old and a nine month old baby.  The methods he prescribes when it comes to infant sleep are developmentally inappropriate. 

Some closing thoughts:

• Excessive crying (such as is produced by leaving a newborn to scream by himself) is dangerous. 
• You can understand the importance of infant sleep without insisting on implementing cry-it-out m methods.
• Night waking in infants may serve important biological functions.
• Schedule or no schedule, breastfed babies will sleep different and have different needs than formula-fed babies.  There is a body of research that supports this.

In all honesty, I could a series on cry-it-out infant sleep training itself, but I think I'll stop here.  Just know that while there are parts of Babywise that I find no argument with, this is one area where I wholeheartedly disagree.

I welcome discussion on this topic, but as always, please remember to direct your thoughts towards the practice of sleep training, NOT TOWARDS PARENTS WHO PRACTICE IT.  This means please refrain from using words like "barbaric," "unloving," and "cold-hearted" to describe parents who choose this practice.  It is fine to disagree with a concept.  It is not fine to attack or be hateful towards other parents.

photo courtesy of Kekka

Giving No-Cry A Try

Because of our As He Leads Us series, Laura and I get emails from time to time from mothers who need to find a sleep solution for their little one but are hesitant to follow a cry-it-out approach.  Both Laura and I usually recommend to readers that they look into one of Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry books.  What began as the No-Cry Sleep Solution eventually led to more books in the series including No-Cry Nap Solution (her newest book), No-Cry Discipline Solution, No-Cry Potty Training Solution, and the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers.

Although I have the No-Cry Sleep Solution, I haven't found it necessary to practice her strategies because we generally practice part-time cosleeping in the first year without much need for a change.  Laura has modified some of the approaches in the first No-Cry book to use in their family and has found success with that.

To be honest, I now find myself in desperate need of a sleep solution with our AJ.  She is twenty months old and for various reasons, she cannot/will not sleep in bed with us at night.  (It's crowded in there already, too.)  She still wakes up no less than twice a night, which on its own is not fun, but additionally bedtime has been turning into a battle with her.  We have never had bedtime problems with Dacey.  She honestly has always willingly and happily drifted off to dream land.  AJ, who is of course her exact opposite, knows that bedtime means she's missing the party and is becoming increasingly resistant to calling it a day.

Last week, I ordered the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers, and I have to tell you that I am super impressed.  First of all, there is a ton of information packed in its nearly 400 pages.  Pantley provides some great sleep basics, expands on eight sleep tips for every child, and then goes into how to find gentle sleep solutions for twenty-five unique scenarios.  She covers everything from children who are resistant to bedtime to transitioning from family bed to independent sleep, moving from crib to big kid bed, and even covers sleep transitions when adopting a toddler or preschooler and how allergies, asthma, and GERD situations can be dealt with.

I so appreciate Pantley's approach for several reasons.  First of all, she advocates gentle solutions.  Secondly, she is compassionate towards families who practice shared sleep and continue with nighttime nursing.  Her attitude towards parents is never harsh, critical, or judgmental.  She never implies that the bedtime problems have arisen from poor or weak parenting skills; rather, she is encouraging, motivating, and empathetic.

I love what she says at the beginning of the book

Your child is getting enough sleep, you're getting enough sleep, and everyone in the household is happy with how things are going.  The problem is that your in-laws, your friend, or your neighbor is telling you that something in the way you are doing things is wrong and must be changed . . . Here's the bottom line: if your child is getting enough sleep, you all are sleeping well, and the people who live in the home are happy with the way things are working out, then nothing needs to be fixed, regardless of what anyone else has to say about your family's sleeping situation (p. 14).

How encouraging for families who take up an "alternative" approach to sleep!

But, as I said, we are at a point where we do have something(s) that need to be fixed.  So I am in the process of working through the book to see what sort of solution will work best for us.

One side note - as I was skimming through the various scenarios that Pantley offers solutions to, I found a chapter on "The Night Visitor: Trips to the Parent's Bed."  One of the approaches is to create "The Weekend Promise" where kids who sleep in their own bed throughout the week get to sleep with the parents on the weekend. It made me smile, thinking of my own childhood where a Friday night campout in our parents' room was always a special treat.  We made up pallets (makeshift beds) on the floor and watched TV and movies as a family, and stayed up late (probably more fun for us than for my parents!).  My mom was always an advocate of the family bed in many ways, and another  treat for us as children was getting to sleep with mom when dad was away on business trips.  Come to think of it, my mom has always championed my inclination towards gentle sleep solutions!

I'll keep you updated on our No-Cry work with AJ.  She's a leetle bit on the stubborn side, so I know we have our work cut out for us. 

I'll be out of town through the rest of the weekend, so here's wishing you an early Happy Mother's Day!

The Family Bed Revisited

Lately, most of the discussions on parenting here at SortaCrunchy have revolved around parenting in that amazing first year of life.  That's sorta easy in that both of my girls have grown past that first year, so it's with a sense of nostalgic perspective that I can say, "this issue is so tough to go through, but this will pass before you even know it."

As we all know, there seems to be a bottomless well from which parenting issues will continue to rise up.  The issue that has received no small amount of talk and reflection but very little action in our home these past few months is this: Dacey has returned to our bed full-time.

I say returned because, yes, there was a time when she slept with us every night on a regular basis.  When she was a newborn.  From three or four months on, she spent at least half of the night in her crib before joining us in bed for the rest of the night.  As she neared her second birthday, she was sleeping soundly through the night in her own crib.  She had very little trouble transitioning to the Big Girl Bed and has generally been our best sleeper for a long time now.  Even when we lived with my in-laws last summer, she slept fine in a bedroom across the hall from her grandparents and upstairs from where we slept.

And then we moved here and our troubles began.

We have two bedrooms upstairs in this house, and at first we thought one of them would be perfect for her.  Turns out she wasn't quite ready to be so far from us and so alone at night (and honestly, I wasn't quite ready for that either).  That meant moving her in with her sister in the other downstairs bedroom.  It all started out just fine, and it's hard for me to remember exactly when the sneaking down the hall and crawling into our bed in the middle of the night started.  We've made two attempts to really focus on getting her to sleep in her own bed all night again and both have resulted in some phenomenon similar to night terrors but without the screaming - just hour after hour of inconsolable crying that she isn't awake for and doesn't remember in the morning.

What to do?

For now, we've just given in to it.  We don't even try to move her back to her own bed at night anymore.  I've mentioned before that I actually love the idea of the family bed - I'm a snuggler and a cuddler through and through.  Kyle is not so much with the concept of being touched at night, let alone cuddled, kicked, and crowded.  I want to honor that, and I've asked him on a weekly basis, "Hey, are you okay with this?" and so far, he is.

Most of our conversations go something like this:

Me: So I guess we should probably work on getting Dacey back in her own bed at night.
Him: Yeah, I guess we should.  How do we do it?
Me: I don't know.  What do you think we should do?
Him: I'm not sure.  Make a star chart?
Me: Yeah, that might work.  Hmmmmm.
Him: Hmmmmm. So, what's for dinner?

The funny thing is that  when we are brave enough to mention this in casual conversation, we've discovered we are not alone in our crowded bed circumstance. We were having dinner in the home of some friends a few weeks ago and the topic of nighttimes came up.  We mentioned the four-year-old-in-bed-at-night situation and were surprised (and secretly delighted) to hear that their almost five year old daughter camps out with them most nights, too.

I guess the reason I share this today is to reinforce the concept that so much of parenting is an ongoing, ever-evolving conversation.  When I was not yet a parent, I never dreamed I would breastfeed past infancy.  I couldn't imagine not following the AAP's recommended schedule for vaccinations, nor would I have thought in a hundred years that I would try using cloth diapers.  If you had told me our four year old would be sleeping in our bed with us at night, I would have started filling out our application for a visit from Super Nanny.

That's not to say there aren't some hard-and-fast.  Absolutely there are.  But there is enough fast-and-loose to keep the conversation going.  And this conversation?  The one about her sneaking into our bed at night?  So much easier than a conversation about her sneaking out of her room at night.  

(But that won't be Dacey.  That will be the curly-headed Little Sister who is always, always workin' a plan.)
 

Comments closed for Lent 09.

Photo: me

As He Leads Us: Thoughts on Co-Sleeping

Good Monday morning, all!  Today Laura is back (yay!) with a post on a topic we alluded to in our post on practical ways to manage the drain nighttime parenting can take on our physical and mental health.  Don't forget each Monday I'm breaking my closed comments fast so that we can continue our parenting discussions here! 

* * * * *

Oftentimes, when I approach today's discussion topic, I feel as though I'm making a confession...(Ok, deep breath now...)  

Sometimes our children sleep in our bed.

Whew.  Okay, so that's out on the table. Now I'll expand a bit.  

We never pictured ourselves as co-sleepers.  Not because we were against the practice; it just wasn't something we ever planned on implementing personally.  However, one night when Maya was about nine months old, I kept her in our bed after a nighttime feeding out of pure exhaustion.  And the result?  Oh my WORD.  Sleep!  More sleep!  We dozed much longer into the morning than had been our recent experience, and woke up feeling all snuggly and rested and...well, content.  Over the next six months or so, we'd often co-sleep part-time, meaning that Maya would begin the night in her crib and end it in bed with us.  It was a perfect arrangement for us, and one which we eventually transitioned out of as Maya began to grow out of her nighttime waking.  I actually found myself feeling a little bit sad as the phase ended, missing those cuddly mornings where Mark and I would wake up and smile at each other over our little girl's sweet, sleepy head as she dozed between us.  

So why do I feel nervous sometimes bringing up the subject of co-sleeping among friends in my Christian circles?  It seems as though that is where I find the most resistance to the idea.  My suggestion of part-time co-sleeping to other moms who are struggling with sleep issues with their kids is often met with wide eyes, an emphatic shake of the head, and an insistent, "No, I could never do that.  That's my place with my husband."  

Now, I completely understand why co-sleeping wouldn't be right for everyone.  Whether it's due to safety concerns, or even just personal preference, I completely respect the decision of parents who decide against bringing their children into their bed. What bothers me is the sense that there are many mothers, many families who would not even allow themselves to fully consider this option, out of a feeling that there is something inherently wrong, even un-Christian, about co-sleeping.

It truly puzzles me.  There is certainly no Biblical argument against the practice.  If I attempt to deconstruct the negative responses I've received in conversations on this subject, I am left with the sense that the aversion to co-sleeping stems from a fear that marital intimacy (in all of it's forms) will be compromised by the arrangement.  That the status of the husband/wife relationship will be knocked from it's berth as the primary one in the family if children are allowed to invade the sleeping space.  While I wholeheartedly agree that the marriage relationship must be nurtured, honored, protected, and held in the highest regard, and while I would certainly encourage every couple to take any means necessary to preserve the intimacy in their marriage, I'm convinced that those principles and the practice of co-sleeping need not be mutually exclusive.  Is sex (by the way, a topic we'll be specifically tackling here in the next few weeks!) the concern?  If so, I'd suggest from personal experience that there are plenty of ways to ensure that this aspect of the marriage remains healthy and vibrant, and that any necessary creativity only serves to contribute to the cause.  Beyond that, though, I believe that my relationship with my husband grows in strength and intimacy as we live life alongside each other; seeking the Lord's will and guidance as we raise our family, make big decisions, and walk through trying times; giving thanks together and celebrating life's joys; caring for each other through illness, grief, and transition; laughing, crying, and growing together; and yes, spending plenty of time alone as a couple.   None of these things are dependent on where we sleep at night, or whether we do so alone.  

My views on this matter were put to the test when our son was born, and little Noah decided from day one that he preferred not to sleep unless he was being cuddled.  So once again, we just did what worked.  And that meant (long story) that for the first five months of his life, Noah and I bunked out together in the living room.  I didn't share a bed at night with my husband at all during that time.  And it honestly didn't bother me, even though I sometimes missed our bed or sleeping next to Mark.  Our sleeping arrangements had no ill effect on our relationship, because - let's face it - we don't really bond that well when we're unconscious.  And honestly, I was so much better rested than I would have been had I been climbing in and out of  bed four or five times a night to feed and soothe an infant, which translated into my serving as a much more pleasant partner for Mark during the daytime hours.  I found once again that as we provided for our child's unique needs and sought God's wisdom in doing so, I felt more intimately connected with my husband than ever, in every respect. And once again, the transition out of this stage was surprisingly smooth, as Noah was suddenly ready for crib-sleeping one day.  And again...I missed him a little bit at night for awhile.  

Some families choose to co-sleep full-time, some to use a part-time system as we did, and some choose not to do so at all.  My thoughts?  Sort of the same as my thoughts on most every choice we face as we parent.  Consider your child's unique needs, seek the Lord's guidance, take note of the safety precautions that should come with bringing a baby into your bed, and above all - just do what works for your family.  Oh, and nurture your marriage...during the waking hours.  (We'll address marriage more closely next week.)

What are your thoughts?  Care to share your co-sleeping experiences?  Or your decision not to co-sleep?  Comments are open, all opinions are more than welcome, and we look forward to the discussion!

(For more information on safe co-sleeping guidelines, please refer to API's page on safe infant sleep and the AskDrSears.com article on Sleeping Safely With Your Baby.)

API Speaks!

(Yes, it's nearly one in the morning and I really am up this late blogging.  Short story made long - AJ is still sick, and now has a croup-y cough (not real croup, mind you, just a croup-y cough) (can you do parentheses inside parentheses?  Anyone know?  I guess I just did.) ), and she also has a nervous mama who doesn't like the sound of all that wheezing and would rather just sit up and doze with her all night than toss and turn and worry in bed until morning.)

This more-than-normal amount of time being invested in some intense nighttime parenting reminded me that I've let nearly a week go by without mentioning the exciting news that Attachment Parenting International has introduced a new blog: API Speaks! 

How awesome is this?  I've had the gorgeous opportunity to meet so many wonderful AP mamas through online connections.  I look forward to hearing from more of them at API Speaks.  In fact, I already have a couple of favorite articles:

* Remember our recent discussion on wearing the new baby?  Check this out - Dr. Maria Blois will be writing feature articles twice a month at API Speaks and her first article is on wearing a newborn.

AND

* I am loving Scylla's article Spare the Crib, Spoil Thyself as it speaks to exactly why I am an AP mama!   

Think you might like to contribute to the AP community by telling your story at API Speaks?  I do believe they are open to submissions right now and you can find their guidelines here.

Do you have a favorite AP resource (either online or off) that has encouraged you in your parenting journey?  I would love to hear about it! 

Seven Rooms, Seven Days - The Girls' Rooms

I'm not sure where to begin. I can only preface this all by saying I hope that even after reading and seeing all of this, you'll still want to be my friend.

Today, I tackled the girls' rooms. Let me sorta explain how our rooms are set up around here. We have three bedrooms - a master bedroom, a very large second bedroom, and a tiny third bedroom. As of right now, we call the second bedroom "Dacey's room" because her toys and furniture and Big Girl Bed are in that room. Big Girl Dacey, however, does not sleep in that room. She is actually still Crib Dweller Dacey. The tiny room is what we call "the nursery" because it has the crib and all of Aliza Joy's clothes in it. But that is not where Aliza Joy sleeps. She sleeps in various locations for naps (the crib, the sling, the swing, the Moses basket . . .) and at night, she starts out in a bassinet by our bed, but lands in bed with mom and dad around 2 am when she wakes up to nurse.

Are we all clear on the sleeping arrangements?

Okay, so . . . Dacey's room needs a makeover in the worst possible way. Her Big Girl Bed used to be our guest bed, and we haven't changed the bedding yet to be more Big-Girl-Friendly. We also have way, way, way too many toys and way, way, way too little cute storage. We want to get new bedroom furniture for that room - at the minimum, a new dresser and bookshelves and some sort of toy storage thingie - but just have not been able to find what we are looking for. As I've mentioned before, we're renting, so painting the walls is out of the question, but I sure would like to do some cute wall art. Anyway, the room needs a makeover.

And the nursery needs a makeover, too. We have cute new bedding and wall art for when D finally graduates out of the crib (and when will that be? Your guess is as good as mine.) but I want to wait until AJ moves into that room permanently to fix it up for her.

Now we've come to the part where I am hoping you can still be my friend. Dacey's room was by far the worst in the house. It sorta started around Christmas when I started slipping on getting her room picked up each night at bedtime. Then after Christmas there were, of course, more toys to add to the piles and I started getting really overwhelmed. And as we all know, the overwhelm can lead to the underperform. It just got worse and worse and worse. It finally got to the point where I was having to remind her Dad to be careful not to step om anything pointy and perhaps lethal as he carried her to her bed after her bath each night.

As I snapped the "before" pictures today, I was so sad and mad at myself for letting her room get this way. I feel deeply ashamed. I half-expected Oprah's film crew to show up to film a segment for one of her "You won't be able to believe that people live! like! this!" shows. I really felt like one of the people on those shows.

I don't know how this happened. I knew it was bad, I just didn't realize how bad it was until I saw it on film . . .

So, anyway, here we go. Brace yourself. (and there's a lot of pictures, too, girls. Forgive me!)

The nursery wasn't too awful. Mostly just clothes that had gotten lost on their way home and toys that had spilled out of D's room:

So two trashbags, one bag of toys to Freecycle, and many hours later, here it is. Still needs a visit from a design team, but at least it's organized!

I don't know why, but the child feels compelled to be at least half-naked at all times.

The dolls, they must be naked, too. That one in the carrier is only dressed because I snuck some clothes on her while I cleaned.

The Dora big wheel really belongs in the garage, it just keeps migrating inside . . .

When Dacey saw the end result, she said, "Wow! Cool room!" and promptly started messing things up playing again.

The nursery looks a might bit better, too.

So, that's that. Tonight as we were reading stories before bed, D kept getting annoyed with me because I would stop reading every little bit to enjoy the view. I couldn't help myself. I feel so. much. better.

Labels: ba, home, parenting a toddler, Seven Days, shared sleep

Regrets . . . I've had a few . . .

Would you like to know what I am listening to right now? Silence. Pure, golden silence. AJ is snoozing happily beside me and D is off in Dream Land. I have all fingers and toes crossed that the two prior days of nap strikage were just flukes and that we can hang on to this nap time a bit longer. Thank you so much for your encouragement and commiseration yesterday! It means the world to me.

Stressing out Thinking reflectively on D's nap times (and lack thereof) hearkens me back to a different place and time. A time when I was a shiny brand new mama (and by shiny, I mean shiny-faced due to lack of personal hygiene combined with not a just a few shed tears. And my - that sounds pitiful! It wasn't all that bad. I suppose.) Anyway, Shiny Brand New Mama spent the first three to four months of her oldest child's life completely, utterly, stupidly obsessed with her child's sleep, or lack thereof. See, a well-meaning family member had well-meaningly given Shiny Brand New Mama a copy of a book said family member had found to be helpful when her children were babies. The subtitle to this book is Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep. Shiny Brand New Mama had read this book voraciously before her oldest was born and fully intended to follow all of the book's commandments in getting baby on a schedule so baby and Mama and Daddy could all sleep through the night by the time she was six weeks old. I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want that?!

Oh, sure, there were mamas on her mommy message board who tried to offer warnings about this book - that it was not only unnecessary (and actually quite unrealistic) to put baby on a schedule at such an early age, but it was also sometimes dangerous. Shiny Brand New Mama brushed off the warnings, thinking to herself that these mamas just didn't follow the plan correctly. Again, sleep through the night at six weeks! Come on, people! What on earth could be dangerous about that?

So the day came when Shiny Brand New Mama's baby woke up to the world, just about two weeks after her grand (albeit late) arrival. It become quite obvious to Shiny Brand New Mama that Baby didn't read a copy of this book with all that free time she had in-utero. No, in fact, this Baby was born with a plan. A plan to get her Mama to get to know what she needed to get acclimated to this big, scary new world. She tried and tried to tell her Mama that she had no intentions of being put on a schedule at this tender young age, but her Mama . . . well, she wasn't listening.

And so Shiny Brand New Mama and her Baby had a rough start. Mama kept a tediously detailed sleep journal, noting the exact minute Baby went to sleep and the exact minute she woke up and all of the various techniques she tried for getting Baby to go to sleep (except - heaven forbid! - rocking and holding and cuddling and slinging! Oh my, no. Gotta get Baby to be an independent sleeper, or you know what will happen . . . she'll need to be rocked to sleep until she is seven and she will never, no not ever, sleep through the night. And it will be all. your. fault.)

Well, very, very long story short, Shiny Brand New Mama spent most of Baby's early months wracked with guilt and plagued with tears over her inability to get Baby on The Schedule. Every time a friend or stranger innocently asked how she was sleeping at night, Shiny Brand New Mama cringed. And lied. Every New Mama knows that how her baby is sleeping at night is a direct reflection on how good of a mother she is. Or isn't.

I can write this now as a Not Quite Shiny Mama, a mama who looks back on those days with such regret. Not the aching, desperate kind of regret that follows me around all day. Nah. Just the resigned regret of knowing I missed out on such sweetness in D's earliest days. I missed out on having her sleep contently on my chest (as AJ is doing at this very moment). I missed nuzzling and snuggling her off to sleep. I missed experiencing the unforced rhythms of life with a newborn because I was so angry that she wouldn't sleep when she was "supposed to". I couldn't allow myself the joy of getting to know her amazing and vibrant personality because I was too busy fretting over how I was failing her. If only I had possessed a crystal ball in those days . . . some manner of seeing into the future and being able to be assured that yes, D would eventually be able to go to sleep without being rocked for even a minute. That, indeed, she would sleep through the night. It didn't happen until she was around two, but it happened. And it's wonderful. And she's wonderful. And I did not fail her.

Eventually, I found another book that brought me such peace in choosing to parent instinctively. Ah yes, when you know better, you do better. And the regrets - well, you accept them, even embrace them, because without them there is often little motivation for change.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ORIGINAL POST COMPLETE WITH ALL COMMENTS

SortaWhat? Part Two

Wow, I will tell you what . . . There is nothing like being out of town for the better part of a week to allow a mama to see how much she does around the house on a daily basis! D and I got home Friday night and I am just now climbing out from under the piles of laundry and dust bunnies.

(And on that note, I am so terribly, TERRIBLY behind on my blog reading. Reading the blogs of both my friends and the amazing women whom I have "met" in the blogosphere is such an important part of my day. I am suffering from tremendous blogger guilt and frustration in not being able to read and comment as much as I would like to, and Google Reader is just taunting me by reminding me I have 100+ posts to peruse! Anyway, soon and very soon I will be back in the swing of things.)

So to continue the conversation on why I choose to identify myself as "sort of" crunchy (yep, Katherine, as in granola-y . . . mmmmmmm, granola . . .), I am just going to outline the natural family living (NFL for short, but not the kind of NFL your man wants you to appreciate) practices that are an important part of my life.

Natural Family Living Philosophies/Beliefs I practice:

* child-led weaning
I used to say "extended breastfeeding," but I have taken a step away from that term for now. Breastfeeding advocacy is very important to me, but at the same time, I want to emphasize that I believe in a mutual weaning process. I have friends online and in my community whose babies simply would have nothing more to do with the breast after nine months or six months or some age earlier than a year old. In these cases, the breastfeeding mother would have loved to have practiced "extended breastfeeding" (general term for breastfeeding past a year), but saw the need to balance her desire to breastfeed with her desire to respect and follow her baby's desires.

I found that Kellymom was a great place to start in researching common questions and concerns regarding breastfeeding past infancy.

* cloth diapering
I have a ton of posts about cloth diapering which you could easily access through my Blogger tags. When it comes down to it, I love cloth diapering because I think it is best for the environment, best for baby's skin, and definitely best in overall cuteness. :)

* babywearing
Although that particular "label" may be new to some, the art of wearing a baby is as old as time. You've no doubt seen mainstream versions of babywearing in the form of Baby Bjorn and New Native carriers, but those carriers are just the very tippy-top of the babywearing iceberg.

I had toyed with idea of buying a carrier before D was born; I had no idea the high-needs baby about to be delivered to me would make it a necessity rather than luxury to have some kind of device by which to keep her on me for the majority of the day. I have worn D in ring slings, pouch slings, Mei Teis (Asian Baby Carriers), and my personal favorite for toddlerhood - the Ergo.

TheBabywearer.Com offers a vast array of babywearing information. These articles say it all much better than I ever could!

* emphasis on whole foods (organic when possible)
I feel guilty even mentioning this because pregnancy triggers within me non-stop cravings for junk! and sugar! and junk! and comfort foods! and junk!

But in my normal, non-pregnant life, I try to make the healthiest cooking and eating choices available to me and my family. Last summer, The Coach and I went vegetarian for a while and really enjoyed the change. D is a born vegetarian (seriously, the only meat the child will eat is turkey lunch meat and corn dogs from Sonic *red-face*). We love to shop the local farmers' market and are thankful we don't live near enough to a Whole Foods Market to shop there because we manage to spend astronomical amounts of money on each visit to that holy mecca.

* shared sleep (co-sleeping)
EDITED - It wasn't until I went upstairs to lay down with D for a nap that I remembered that we also practice shared sleep!
We never intended to be co-sleepers, but again, it was one of those things that just sort of happened. Now I cannot wait for Little Sister to be here so we can snuggle a wee one between us in bed again. Big Sister sleeps in her crib full-time now (well, with the rare exception - like last night when a bad dream awakened her and her daddy said, "Just let her sleep with us . . ."), so I miss that snuggle time at night.

The Sears site has some great information (including VERY important safety tips) on co-sleeping.

* Attachment Parenting
One need not practice NFL in order to practice Attachment Parenting, but by and large, the same parents who are drawn to natural living also find they connect with the Attachment Parenting philosophy. I will not try to reinvent the wheel here on what AP is. A great deal of information is available at askdrsears.com including What Attachment Parenting Is and What It Is Not. Some time ago, I also shared how it came to be that Attachment Parenting chose me.

Natural Family Living Philosophies/Beliefs I Do Not Practice (or Why I Am Not One Hundred Percent Crunchy)

At this point in time, we believe we are led to send our children to public schools. There are many in the NFL community who choose to homeschool for a variety of reasons. The Coach and I feel a special call to have our children in public schools, but we are open to whatever God leads us to do at any given time for any of our children.

Also at this time, if we are blessed with a son, we will choose to have him circumcised. This is very unusual in the NFL community as a whole, but it is an issue about which The Coach holds strong feelings and I am at peace in following his leadership in this area.

D has been vaccinated on schedule. You will find many families who practice natural living choose not to vaccinate their children. After much discussion and thoughtful consideration, we feel vaccinating is a good choice for us at this time. The two of us are currently in negotiations over whether or not Little Sister will be vaxed on schedule. I would like to follow a delayed vax schedule, but that is not set in stone yet.

Finally, as I have recently talked about, I am choosing an elective repeat c-section for Little Sister's delivery. As much as I fully support and strongly believe in the beauty and power of a natural vaginal delivery, there are factors that complicate and muddy my situation that have turned what could be a black-and-white issue into a big gray area for me.

So there ya have it! A fairly concise picture of me straddling the fence between crunchy and mainstream. Thankfully I am not posting an actual picture of me straddling anything! My big ol' pregnant self does not need to be shown straddling anything at this moment in time.

That reminds me, I think I owe ya'll a belly shot . . . no fences. I promise.

Labels: babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, food, general natural family living

Let's talk about SLEEP, baby!

O bed! O bed! delicious bed!

That heaven upon earth to the weary head.

~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream

Ah, yes. Bed. Is there any more treasured place of solace for a mama to little ones? It really is a heaven on earth to those who are "on call" all day, every day. But when we these little ones make their grand entrances, the Mommies and Daddies often have a dilema about where the babes will sleep (when they do sleep, if they do sleep . . .).

Before D was born, I was very solidly in the sort of "mainstream" camp that says babies should sleep in their own bed (crib or bassinette) so Mommy and Daddy can keep their bed special and privated. I just swore up and down that our "marriage bed" would not be invaded by our children. I held fast to this belief all throughout my pregnancy, only begrudgingly allowing my in-laws to buy a bassinette for D to sleep in our room.

Okay, so fast-forward to our first night in the hospital after she was born. D was born at 5:43 in the morning and I finally came out of OR recovery about 7:45 or 8. Our hospital is all about rooming in, so she had been in my arms or right beside me in her hospital bassinette all day. I shoo'ed everyone out of the room for the night. It was just D, me, and the nurses. I tried and tried to let her sleep in that hospital bassinette. I just knew that was the "right thing" to do. But I tell - I felt a physical ache over her being even 2 feet from me! Finally in the middle of the night, I pulled her into bed with me and discovered the joys of shared sleep.

Over the next few weeks, I constantly beat myself up because our lovely bassinette was getting no use at all (except as a diaper holder - disposables back in those days). BUT, D was content to sleep between her daddy and me and The Coach loved it, too. We never felt she had invaded our bed -- quite the contrary, it seemed as if that is exactly where she should be. Since we found it to be really very natural and very right for us, we went with it until she was about 6 months old, when it became very obvious to us that she wasn't sleeping well in our bed anymore. From there, we moved into a time where she would start out the night in her crib, then join us in bed anywhere from 2 to 4 in the morning and wake up with us. Oh, what treasured times! It is such a DELIGHT to wake up to the smiling face of your precious love. We continued with that sleep situation until just very recently when she started sleeping through the night.

It's nice. I miss her at night, but I know she is getting great sleep in her crib and is confident and secure in knowing that we are there for her if she needs us. It's also nice to not share your bed with a windmill. :)

Now that I have shared our story about sleep decisions, I would LOVE to hear ya'll's thoughts on babies and sleep. Where did your babies sleep? How did you come to that decision? Do you/did you feel at peace with that? Did you/will you do things differently with future children?

*** this post is brought to you courtesy of Sesame Street, that lovely, lovely program that has been both entertaining and educating D for the past 15 minutes so I could write!

Labels: attachment parenting, shared sleep

So, let's start at the beginning . . .

I have been thinking about what to share and when a lot in the past few days . . .

I know I would not have chosen many of the natural parenting practices in our life if it weren't for the fact that I sort of stumbled into Attachment Parenting. I didn't choose Attachment Parenting - it chose me. I want to share on this blog some thoughts about this idea that I posted on a private mommy board I belong to. It's fairly long, but gives some perspective on how I came to find that for me and my household, we need to be AP:

September 18, 2005

Several years ago, when my husband and I first started thinking about starting a family, his sister gave me her copy of Babywise. I read it several times because something in it seemed to make sense to me. (gasp! I know -- but keep reading!) On the surface, (and this is my opinion ONLY) Babywise appealed to the part of me that desperately wanted to do things the “right” way when it came to starting a family. My relationship with my husband is extremely important to me, and BW made it sound like if you follow his plan, you can introduce a baby to the family without rocking the marital boat at all. PLUS, your baby will sleep through the night at 6 weeks! Or no later than 8 weeks! And, hey, what’s not to love about that? So I jumped on the BW wagon long before Dacey first danced for us on the ultrasound screen.

So, Dacey Allyse came into this world via emergency c/s at 5:43 am on Jan 28th. It was very scary at the end, and we could have lost her. Since I had no delusions of natural childbirth (I will be the first to admit I don’t do well with pain!), I wasn’t the least disappointed to have delivered through c/s. I was amazingly grateful that she was alive. So that first night, I asked everyone to leave to go get sleep -- really, I just ached to have some alone time with my daughter. By the end of the first night, I had pulled Dacey into bed with me, and already I felt guilty for breaking one of the “rules.” But I already felt powerfully attached to her. My bonding with her was instant and fierce beyond what I had dreamed possible. In those moments as she slept peacefully beside me in that hospital bed, I knew there was no way I could ever leave her alone to cry. . .

After we got home, I found I wanted to hold her all the time. I was struggling to make breastfeeding work, but thankfully my mother-in-law came for two weeks to take care of everything else so I could focus on Dacey. Sometimes she would suggest I might be holding Dace too much, and I sank deeper into guilt, because I so badly wanted to do the “right” thing and not spoil Dacey, but I was compelled to have her near me at all times! And so began the internal battles that mark so much of Dacey’s first months of life -- I desperately wanted to do the right things, but so much of what I read was “right” felt so WRONG to do!

I could go on and on about how miserable I was those first months -- constantly questioning my every decision -- should I have not rocked her to sleep? Did I let her cry too long? What’s going to happen if I keep rocking her to sleep? Why won’t she be content to stay in her bucket carrier while I grocery shop? I have her on a good feeding schedule -- WHY isn’t she sleeping through the night?? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? Worse still, I felt I couldn't be honest with my BW-following friends. Yes, of course she sleeps in her crib at night (at 6 weeks . . . . yeah right!). Mmmm hmmmm, I let her cry to sleep if she needs to (not even for FIVE MINUTES). But on the inside, I was torn. I felt like a fraud and a failure everyday.

My husband, bless his heart, felt helpless to help me. He did encourage me to let Dacey sleep with us at night. He actually preferred to have her in bed with us! I kept asking him, “what if she is still sleeping with us when she is TWO?” “I don’t care!” he told me over and over. . . . Finally, he DEMANDED I not pick up another baby book. He could see how miserable I was. I cried almost every day. I was so disappointed. Disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to let her cry. Disappointed in Dacey for not acting the way the books all but promised she would. And I was scared. Was my “indulgence” of her going to turn her into the fussy, miserable, demanding baby that BW used as the example for “what not to do”???

(One bright spot in all of this -- feeding her was never a concern. We got through the first few weeks of breastfeeding and we both were doing great. I demand fed her for the first month, but quickly found that a loosely structured schedule of feedings really did work for both of us. Nursing Dacey was the only thing I felt confident in during those first months!)

OKAY, anyway!! The boss’s wife had given me her copy of Sears’ The Baby Book when I was pregnant. Of course, since I was into BW, I just put in on the shelf. There’s no way I was falling for that AP stuff!! I thought, I don’t know much, but I know what AP kids turn into -- spoiled brats! (Yes, that was what I really thought!)

But you know what? I finally allowed myself to read something Dr. Sears wrote in Babytalk a few months ago. It was about high-needs babies. When my husband and I read that article, we stared at each other. He had described Dacey perfectly. My heart softened toward Dr. Sears because he knew what having a high-needs baby was about, and he offered a peaceful, compassionate alternative to parenting her.

So last night, I finally got out The Baby Book and started reading a little bit. I was actually in tears. If only, IF ONLY!! If only I had read THAT when I was pregnant. If only I had KNOWN about the benefits of baby wearing and shared sleep and that not only is it okay to follow what your heart leads you to do in parenting, it is THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I feel so stupid that the encouragement and direction I desperately needed in those early months was on my bookshelf the whole time!!

So, if you are still reading this (and bless your heart if you are!), I guess I just want to say THANK YOU to all of the AP moms on here. In reading your posts, I saw that it’s okay that Dacey isn’t totally sleeping through the night yet. It’s okay to not let her cry it out or become a self-soother yet if it breaks my heart to do so. (And, again, no judgment implied or intended to those who have found success with CIO -- it just never worked for us.) It’s okay to hold and carry her when she wants to be held and carried. She will not be a monster baby! In fact, the funny thing is, people CONSTANTLY comment on what a laid-back, alert, content baby she is!! (Of course, she wasn’t in those early months, but amazingly, she is now!)

I could still go on and on about how in reading The Baby Book, I have found parenting advice that completely echoes the approach that my husband and I sort of stumbled into on our own. But, there isn't much support for AP practices in my circle of friends. If it weren’t for the online support and encouragement I have found here, I don’t know how I would have made it. So thank you for consistently and passionately sharing your thoughts on parenting practices on here. Your collective support of AP has made a difference in our family. I still feel bad about how miserable and ignorantly stubborn I was in those first months, but all I can say is, now I know better and will do better in the future!

So yeah, that's how Attachment Parenting found me. What I love about AP is at its core, it encourages parents to really get to know their baby so they can best meet the needs of THAT baby - the one God entrusted them both to be able to parent. And as I will share in the coming days, it's within the world of APing that I discovered so many of the natural parenting practices that have made our lives more rich (and fun!) today.

Labels: attachment parenting