SortaCrunchy

AHLU: Servanthood is the Heart of Our Message

As promised, I'm making time in the midst of an extremely hectic couple of weeks to revisit some ideas from the As He Leads Us project.  

Kyle and I teach Sunday School in the class for adults in their twenties and early-ish thirties at our church.  A few weeks back, the lesson drew from Mark 9:33-37 an focused on the servanthood aspect of a relationship with Christ.  There were a few paragraphs from the teacher's material that spoke so clearly and plainly to the philosophy of our book, that I couldn't help but to share them here.

The writer of the material (Matt Carter of Austin Stone Community Church) said:

Jesus continued His teaching and correcting of the apostles with an object lesson.  He took a child into His arms and called attention to the child.  The child, symbolically uncorrupted, helpless, and defenseless, represented what it was like to serve the least.  Perhaps it was surprising to see Jesus, the disciples' leader, holding a child in His arms . . . Jesus, the greatest of all, placed Himself on the same level as a little child.  He said that whoever welcomes a child in His name welcomes Christ.

Matt goes on to explore the idea of "welcoming a child in Christ's name," and that the intent of the Greek word here implies "to be concerned about, to care for, to show kindness to."  He continues:

Children who have no ability to care for themselves need someone to care for their needs.  They need a servant.  Sometimes they stretch the patience of the one serving them.  They can be unresponsive, unappreciative, or unable to help them in return.  However, serving them as Jesus would do (in His name), reminds us how Christ served us when we were lost in sin and without hope for salvation.

Glory!  YES!  I was thrilled to read Matt's insight on this passage and this teaching.  The sentiment he expresses here lines up so completely with what Laura and I are proposing in this book that the similarity is uncanny.

I'll share one final thought from Matt that has sunk into my mind and challenged me in so many ways since I read it:

Those who do not welcome children do not welcome Jesus . . .To deny service to a child is a rejection of the kind of spirit Christ requires to enter the kingdom.

Wow.  My girls have grown past the babe-at-the-breast, up-at-night, all-consuming, all-day-all-night complete dependence on mama stage, but little ones that they are, they still need my loving service.  How often am I resentful about all the bottom wiping and sippy cup fixing and crustless sandwich making that mark the days of this current season?

Something that God is bringing to mind for me again and again is how much of my day is spent serving the Kingdom of Megan rather than the Kingdom of God.  And sometimes serving in His Kingdom involves some story reading and some art project-ing and some slow walks on a cool day while I continue to mother and nurture and teach these little girls I am humbled to have been entrusted to raise.

I would love to hear your response to this!

As He Leads Us: Programming Note

Regular readers have no doubt noticed that Laura and I have taken a three month hiatus from our As He Leads Us series on parenting in the first year of baby's life.  

Now that summer has come to a close and both of our families are (somewhat) settling into a routine, we plan to continue with our As He Leads Us series very soon - possibly even next Monday!  If you are a new reader and are unfamiliar with our As He Leads Us: Parenting on the Path of Servanthood in Baby's First Year project, I would invite you to read our AHLU page for an introduction to our approach to parenting that is inspired by God's Word, empowered by Christ's strength, and led by the work of His Spirit within.

We look forward to engaging in more discussion and dialogue on this topic with you in the coming weeks!

(Comments closed.)

As He Leads Us: Six Month Update

It occurred to me that it has been about six months since we first shared with you about our plans for As He Leads Us.  Back in January, we posted some prayer requests.  Today, I wanted to briefly share with you some ways you can continue to partner with us in praying over this project:

1) We need wisdom and discernment as we move forward.  We'll have a decision to make in the next few weeks, and we want to make sure that first and foremost, we hear from the Lord on which path to take.

2) We still have quite a bit of content that needs to be written.  As you know, I have many writing commitments already, and Laura is actively involved in both community and ministry work in her hometown.  Plus, it's summer!  We could use some direction (and oftentimes motivation!) as to how and when to finish the content of the book.

3) We are so very, very encouraged by the positive feedback we've gotten on our message.  We know many of you have shared links to the As He Leads Us series with friends who were needing to hear about our experiences and the experiences of others in the realm of Christian parenting.  I don't think I can tell you enough how grateful we are for your support!

If you haven't already, you can join the As He Leads Us Facebook group which we hope to be able to use to keep you involved in more specific prayer requests, as well as asking for you to contribute to a section of the book that will feature the stories and experiences of other families who have chosen a servanthood approach to parenting.

A million thanks for coming alongside us in this endeavor.  Each of you have blessed us more than you know!

As He Leads Us: Working Through Early Breastfeeding Challenges

Such great discussion on last week's AHLU post on prayerfully considering feeding choices.  Today, Laura shares her experience with the difficulties she faced when she began her breastfeeding journey with her oldest child, Maya:

I never expected to be anything even remotely close to a breastfeeding enthusiast.  I planned to try it out, took the requisite classes, etc.   Along the way, I tucked away one piece of advice that had jumped out at me more than any other at the breastfeeding class.  Don't quit before six weeks.  It can be really hard to get started.  But just give it six weeks...  Of course, I had no idea at that point exactly how hard it could really be.  I would quickly find out that nursing a baby, although one of the most natural aspects of motherhood, can also be one of the most frustrating.

Reality hit almost immediately after my first child's birth, as I struggled through the first night of parenthood, unable to figure out why I couldn't seem to feed my baby.  Over and over I tried to help her find a good latch,  while she would pull away, crying.  I cried too.  In the morning, a lactation consultant sat with us for quite some time, watching Maya's mouth and trying out some new holds and strategies with us to combat the latch issue.  Finally, she suggested that I wear a contact nipple shield for a few days, until Maya was accustomed to the positioning necessary for nursing.  The plan was that I would wean her off of the shield within approximately one week.  That didn't happen.

Once at home, I still battled through feedings.  The shield made my letdown slower, which resulted in Maya becoming so upset as she tried to begin a meal that she would cry hysterically, making the process all the more difficult.  She often took forty-five minutes or more to finish a feeding, meaning that I would sometimes end one nursing session and begin another one an hour and a half later, attempting to squeeze a bit of sleep in between.  Please, Lord.  Help me make it through a few more weeks.  I tried to quit several times, while my husband sat beside me, patiently reminding me of my six-week goal.  "It's just a few more weeks.  Then we can see how you feel.  You can do this!"  As much as I wanted him, or someone, to just let me off the hook, it didn't happen that way.  Looking back, I'm tremendously thankful for that.

Something happened over those next few weeks.  We sort of hit a groove.  I remember the first night that I didn't feel it was necessary to wake Mark up to help me with a feeding. Maya no longer no longer cried during mealtimes.  And while she still ate quite often, her feedings grew somewhat shorter in length, giving me longer stretches of sleep.  I felt as though I were getting my feet back under me.  By the time the six-week mark rolled around, I was ready to take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

As time went on, breastfeeding became a familiar experience - something I would have never expected given those first weeks.  And a new day dawned when Maya turned six months old.  Starting on solid foods and reaching new developmental milestones helped her to naturally transition to less frequent nursing sessions and other ways of soothing herself.   And remember that contact nipple shield?  The one that we planned to ease Maya off of within a week?  Well finally, at six months old, she was able to do without it.  It was smooth sailing now, and there was no question in my mind that I'd nurse her through her whole first year.

So, what does breastfeeding have to do with a servanthood parenthood philosophy?  Well, in itself, not much.  I've become a huge advocate of breastfeeding.  But what I want to get across with my story isn't as much an endorsement of breastfeeding as it is another example of the value that comes from heeding the Lord's wisdom and your own God-given instincts over one-size-fits-all advice when it comes to parenting your child, no matter which feeding choice you are led to make along the way.  Personally, I was led to breastfeed.  And looking back, I can see that when I allowed myself to accept the individual needs that Maya came into this world with, to release my predisposed expectations of what my breastfeeding experience should be, and to respond to her cues and to the unique challenges we faced together, I was blessed with some of the clearest revelations I've received from God thus far about Himself and about parenthood.  But here's the thing...the important aspect of the story wasn't the way in which I chose to nourish my child.  It was the way He guided me to a greater understanding of dependence upon Him, of surrendering my desires and plans, and of what it means to simply trust.  For me, breastfeeding was the path this part of my spiritual journey took.

So what am I trying to say here?  Two things.  First, that I know and sympathize in a very real way with the struggles that can come with breastfeeding, and that my story is a testimony to the difference that help from professionals, support from loved ones, and perseverance (sometimes through tears and gritted teeth) can often make in overcoming those difficult times.  And secondly, an echo of the central theme that Megan and I want to hold above everything else as we write these posts and work on our book...Listen to your heart, your child's unique needs, and most importantly – to God's guidance as you make each decision, including this one. 

 

 

As He Leads Us: On Making Choices about Feeding

Again, Laura and I thank you so much for your patience as we have taken time to think about what direction to take the next series of posts in our As He Leads Us series.

Today we are beginning a series on feeding.  We are not totally sure at this point all the topics and directions this series will take, so we appreciate your prayers and feedback as we move forward.  I was just telling Laura that I went to bed last night still quite unsure of how and where to begin, but God spoke a fresh word to me this morning, and I am confident of His prompting in starting right here with the foundation for making one of the first major choices you are called on to make for your child.

Readers of SortaCrunchy know that I am a breastfeeding advocate.  The motivation for my advocacy stems from a desire for any woman who wants to pursue breastfeeding to have all of the resources, information, and support she needs to be able to do so.  Today's post, however, may take some of you by surprise with the direction I feel called to take.

The first major decision we will make for our babies is the choice between breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or a combination of the two.  There are many, many voices speaking to women today on this topic.  I was going to post some links for examples of the clashing opinions and the swirling debates, but my goodness.  Where would I start?

I think that somewhere in the cacophony of voices preaching, teaching, advocating, deliberating, analyzing, and proselytizing the breast versus bottle question, we as Christian women may neglect to listen hard after the one Voice who is able to speak absolute truth to our lives, our families, and our circumstances. 

A foundation of the Christian faith is the premise that at the moment of belief in Christ, we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, speaking to us the voice and words of our Father God.  As believers, we know we can call upon and rely on the prompting of the Spirit within us in each decision we are called to make.  I don't know about you, but I find that I tend to compartmentalize the topics in which I feel God would be interested in providing direction:  Ministry opportunity?  Yes.  Marriage partner?  You bet.  A move to a new community or a new church?  Certainly.  Homeschool, private school, or public school my children?  Absolutely.

Breast feed or bottle feed my baby?  Well, see, my pediatrician says . . . but this parenting magazine says . . . and my best friend told me . . . and my grandmother's advice was . . . and the La Leche League leader said . . .

Sisters, this should not be!

Here's what God reminded me of this morning in studying His Word - we need to seek His truth for our family, for that child, before we listen and give heed to any other voice in this matter.

In John 16: 13, Jesus spoke, "But when he, the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth."  All truth.  The Truth that surpasses any wisdom of man - the Truth that speaks to every situation.  Later, the Apostle John would write to the new church, "As for you, the anointing (referring to the anointing of the Spirit) you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you.  But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit - just as it has taught you, remain in Him"  (1 John 2:27, NIV, emphasis mine).

In context, of course, John was writing to the new believers to remind them that they need not make themselves susceptible to erroneous teachings because they thought themselves to be uneducated in God's truth.  John is reminding them that the Spirit dwelling within them was enough to educate and enlighten them of the truth of God and His Word.  But I don't think it's a stretch - do you? - to say that God's wisdom is enough to speak and teach us truth in any and every circumstance in our lives . . . including the decision of how we, as mothers, choose to feed the little ones He entrusts to us.

I feel strongly that the very first thing Laura and I need to speak about feeding is to make all aspects of this part of parenting a matter of prayer.

• As you partner with God in the miracle of growing new life, or as your family works through the laborious steps of adding to your family through adoption, don't neglect to desperately seek His truth for the direction He would have you take.  (And may I say that I think this holds true if the new baby is your first or your fifth?  What worked - or didn't work - with one child will most certainly not always be the same with the next.) 
• As that little one grows and the time comes to start thinking about starting solid foods, may we not forget to once again seek God's direction on what and when to introduce them to in the bounty of foods He created to nourish and sustain us. 
• As our children continue to grow, may we never minimize the importance of seeking His guidance in what we provide as nutrition for the little bodies growing up in our homes.

I know how very easy it is to allow the jumble of voices that speak to this topic to be given such volume that His still small voice is nearly silenced.  Let us never lose the wonder of being loved by a God who has a word of truth for every single aspect of our lives.  The God of the universe is intimately invested in the choices we make as parents, and He has a word for you.  May each of us be desperate for His truth in the day we need it, and may we have the courage to trust His leading and direction, knowing that no one on the planet loves that little one He has chosen you to care for more than He.

As He Leads Us: When Parents Disagree about Approaches to Parenting

Last week, Laura and I received an email from a reader that I think raises a great issue in the midst of our discussions on spirit-led parenting.  The question this reader brings is one that Laura and I have struggled a bit in how to answer because it's not something that we have dealt with on a personal level. 

Reader "M" has a brand new baby (less than six weeks old) and she is finding that she and her husband come from different backgrounds and different philosophical approaches to what life with a newborn should look like.  M describes her upbringing by saying

I was raised by homeschooling AP-style parents (way before ‘AP’ was a common term). I definitely had a 'sorta-crunchy' childhood, surrounded by gentle, wise, nursing-everywhere homeschooling mamas. There was so much joy and security in the way I was raised, it’s only natural to me to want to continue this with my daughter.

Her husband, on the other hand, was brought up in a more traditional, mainstream background where one might hear concerns expressed about the dangers of co-sleeping and that too much holding will spoil a newborn.  M emphasizes that both she and her husband are believers and that he is a loving, godly man who is a wonderful partner and provider for their family.  The concern lies that in these early weeks, they aren't on the same page.  She writes

I’ve tried to gently introduce AP/gentle parenting concepts but I’m not sure I’m getting through. Meanwhile, I’m not about to leave our little one to ‘just cry it out’ and it’s creating major tension… especially at night. We're so tired it's hard to make time to have a one-on-one adult conversation about this, and frankly, I don't know where to start reconciling our two different experiences growing up and how that's shaped our view of parenting.

She wonders, "The (As He Leads Us) philosophy you share on your blog is much akin to how I feel... and where do you start sharing such an all-encompassing, holistic view?"

This question really challenged me because although Kyle and I come from slightly different philosophies on life with a newborn, we sort of muddled our way through together without any out-and-out disagreement.  Laura and Mark shared the same experience.  We do feel this is a very legitimate and relevant question for many new parents, though, and so we are going to offer the advice that come to mind for us as we have individually prayed through how to respond.  I'll share Laura's response here in the post and my own response in the comments.

From Laura:

Congratulations on your new baby!  Those first three months or so are full of precious moments...and it can also be one of the most difficult for new parents to navigate, both individually and as a couple.  I wonder if, beyond even the very valid hurdle you may be facing with your different upbringings, some of the difficulties your husband is feeling may be a result of his adjustment to fatherhood.  Oftentimes, I think, we're quick to focus on the changes that a new baby means for the life of the new mother, and can somewhat overlook the upheaval in the father's life. 

As I read through your e-mail, I did some pondering about what I've learned about my husband as I've watched him face difficult times (parenthood-related and otherwise) through the years, and also about what he struggled with when we brought our first baby home.  Three main points came to mind in these reflections. 

First, men tend to want to be "fixers."  I know that when there's a point of difficulty in our home, no matter how large or how trivial, Mark immediately gravitates towards looking for a logical, efficient solution.  Which works well...when there is one!  But in those times when there's no quick fix, or when layers of emotion or a other complicating factors muddle the path ahead of us, it's a little more difficult for him to let go of the need to swoop in and make things right. 

Secondly, no matter how attentive we are, as wives, to making sure that we're tending to our husbands as well as our children, there is inevitably a feeling of "Hey, where did my wife go?" that new fathers face as they watch the little one take up so much of our precious time and energy, particularly in those first few months. 

And thirdly, as much as I struggled with wondering, "Will my life ever feel normal again?" when I became a mother, I think my husband felt the same way.  With our second child, we were able to have more perspective on those early days, knowing that things would settle down, sleep would eventually come again, and life would feel more manageable and relaxed in time.  But the first time around, it seemed as though life was permanently turned upside-down, and it was hard to imagine anything feeling "normal" again.

I wonder if your husband might be struggling with some of those same questions.  If perhaps the need to "fix" a difficult situation is prompting him to advocate a logical solution over one that is guided more by emotion and feeling.  If there is a part of him that is really missing the days when you had more time and energy to devote to each other.  And if he's reeling from the feeling of a life that seems so foreign and exhausting, and can't imagine a light at the end of the tunnel.

If any of this rings true, the advice I would give is to sit down and talk.  Explain the reasons that you feel led to a gentler, more responsive style of parenting, and the benefits you believe will result, and acknowledge that these concepts might feel somewhat foreign to him because of his childhood experience.  Talk about what the two of you can do to nurture your relationship as a couple.  And try to develop a team approach, recognizing that easier days will come, and maybe setting a goal of a month or two to reevaluate how things are going and how both of you are feeling about your parenting decisions and what is working well or might need fine-tuning.

* * * * *

I'll share my response in the comments, but I would absolutely love to hear what you all have to say on this matter - no matter where on the parenting philosophy spectrum your beliefs fall.  What advice/encouragement would you share with new mama M?

As He Leads Us: Offering Alternative Viewpoints

Laura and I want to thank you all so much for taking the time to offer topic ideas for the As He Leads Us series.  We definitely have the feeding topic on the list, so be watching for that coming up soon.  We want to acknowledge that several of you asked about discipline ideas and suggestions.  As He Leads Us will focus specifically on the first year of life, so we feel that a discussion on discipline isn't an appropriate topic in the context of our book, but we are working on putting together a post that is not a part of the AHLU in which we address our personal takes on the topic of discipline.

We thought this might be a good week to address Elizabeth's question:

Do you ladies have any suggestions on how to help a new mom who is determined to use Babywise and is convinced that it is the ONLY and BEST way to be a Christian parent? I'm asking because sometimes I find it very difficult to withhold judgment in situations when new moms ask me what I think about the book. I desire to speak in kindness and with gentleness, and in a way that doesn't criticize or offend them, but that still conveys my concern about the Babywise method. I have had at least 5 new moms recently ask me what I think. They are each using the book without success and with much frustration. Yet they still are determined to make it work. I want to be able to tell them my concerns and give them the warnings I've read and that I believe in, but in a way that will make them receptive rather than offended b/c I sound harsh. I don't want to sound harsh! Yet I get so passionate and worked up that I'm afraid I might come across that way. Any tips? What do you do when moms ask you about Babywise?

Laura's response:

The main thing I try to remember in those situations is to keep my attitude loving and respectful. As passionately as I feel about this subject, it's equally important to me that I never come across to another mother as alleging that my way is the "right" one. Megan and I both remember the feelings of guilt, shame, and inferiority we struggled with as new moms, when we were told that God's way to care for our babies was represented in one particular book or one specific set of methods. And while I fully believe that God has led me to the path of parenting that is right for my family, I would never propose that it is the way He would lead every mother to navigate the first year of her baby's life. We desire that the strongest message that comes through in As He Leads Us is that there is more than one way to follow God and care for an infant, and that each couple should simply seek the Lord's guidance over all other advice in determining the path to take.

When I am specifically asked my opinions about BW, I focus on keeping my attitude gentle. I usually start by simply explaining that it is somewhat controversial, that I have personally chosen not to take that route in caring for my children, and that there is a lot of information easily available that can explain the different opinions and concerns that exist about the book. If asked to elaborate, I will briefly list the issues that some mothers have found with the BW recommended feeding schedules, as well as the basic concerns over sleep training. And if they seem receptive, I may softly point out a few of my additional personal disagreements with BW, such as the attitude I feel it encourages mothers to take towards their babies, and maybe share a bit of my story.

My overall goal in those kinds of conversations is to come away acknowledging that some parents seem to find success with BW, that I personally didn't and have chosen not to take that route, and that there are other ways to parent from a Biblical perspective. Basically, that if you're enjoying BW and having success - I'm glad you've found something that works well for your family. And if you don't enjoy it, or are struggling and want to try something else - it's okay to do that.

Megan's response:

When it comes to general questions about BW, I tend to respond pretty much word-for-word the way Laura responded.  However, I hear in your question, Elizabeth, that you are wondering what to say - if anything - when a mom is frustrated and struggling with trying to follow BW but won't give up because she is convinced it is the ONLY Christian approach to parenting a new baby. 

I think if the new mom has come to you and asked your opinion on it, you can (as Laura said above) express that you found that the BW approach was not a good fit for your family and maybe share some of the specific parts of that approach that you take issue with.  If they are wanting to engage in authentic conversation and dialogue, you might further ask why she is sure that BW is the only approach to parenting a new baby?  Further yet, what does she think might happen if she doesn't follow BW?  In my opinion, Mr. Ezzo goes to great lengths to create a picture of families that are frazzled, stressed, angry, and unhappy if they choose to follow a different approach to parenting.  Again, if this new mom is open to conversation about it, you might assure her that even though you found BW wasn't a good fit for your family, that you and your husband still have a strong marriage, that your home is not collapsing into chaos, and that there truly is another way to parent a newborn in a way that honors and glorifies Christ in your home.

There are many resources available on the web if the person you are conversing with wants to do some reading on her own.  There is, of course, Ezzo.info which provides countless testimonies of people (many - if not most - of whom are Christians) who have not had good experiences with BW.  Alternatively, there is an active and vibrant online community at GentleChristianMothers.com ("An Alternative-Minded, Evangelical Christian Community for Attached Mamas") where moms who are curious about an alternative might find some good feedback.  You may even suggest The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care: A Medical and Moral Guide to Raising Happy, Healthy Children by Martha Sears.

Overall, the thing Laura and I both want to encourage more than anything is for each couple to diligently pray for guidance in how to parent the unique and magnificent creations that God has delivered to them to raise.  No wisdom from man can ever replace the power of the prompting and leadership of the Holy Spirit at work within the heart of the believer.  For some families, Babywise works just fine!  And if that's the case, then we who don't agree with that approach need to be careful to respect that God moves differently in different families.  When a new parent confides that Babywise is not working, we can offer the testimony of what God has shown to be best for our own families and trust that God can be trusted with the outcome of these conversations.

* * * * *

Okay, readers!  What do you all think?  How would you handle the situation Elizabeth described?  What resources do you think are the most helpful for Christian parents who are discouraged in their attempts to follow the philosophies of Babywise and other parenting guides in that area?

As He Leads Us: Week Off and Soliciting Ideas

Laura and I are going to take the week off from an AHLU post.  We have finished the current series on marriage, and at this point I would love to hear from you all on any topics you might like to see us cover next.  We have a few ideas, but I thought this might be a great time to hear from you on what you would like to see in upcoming discussions.  As a quick reminder, you can check the As He Leads Us page to revisit the discussions we have already posted.

Thank you - really, truly thank you - for your gracious and engaged support of this project!

As He Leads Us: The Perspective of a Husband and Father

Friends and readers - I've so been anticipating being able to share today's post with you!  When Laura and I first began sharing our approach to parenting here on the blog, a friend of mine from high school sent an email sharing that he and his wife Jenny (who is also a friend from high school) had gone through very similar experiences in their first year as parents, particularly that feeling of pressure - both implied and explicit- to follow the approach set forth by Babywise and other materials from the Ezzo curriculum as the "right" way for Christians to approach parenthood.

For months, I've been pestering Jason to share his perspective as a Christan father and husband on how making peace with an alternative approach to new parenthood has impacted he and his wife, their marriage, and their children.  I think in order to get me to leave him alone about it ;) he has written this to share with you all today.  It seems so much of what is written about the first year of parenting focuses exclusively on the experience of new moms, and I am thrilled to have found a husband and father who will give voice to his experience.

So please welcome today my friend Jason as he shares his heart on parenting:

Our road to a more spirit-led approach in parenting is a long and winding one. You see, back when a client at work found out that we were expecting, he loaned us his copy of Babywise and shared that this book had really helped he and his wife with their child. Being eager first time parents, we gave it an honest read. And the eat-awake-sleep routine and advice on helping your child to sleep through the night seemed to make a lot of sense...in theory anyway.

It wasn't until our 9 lb 14.5 oz bundle of joy was born that the theory fell apart in practice. Eli (who, at birth, weighed more than some of our friend's children at three months old) wanted to eat much more often than your typical newborn and really couldn't go the recommended 2 1/2-3 hours between feedings. However, our earnestness in wishing to follow the Babywise recommendations was beginning to take its toll on my wife. The tension between “parent directed feeding” and responding to our son's clear signals that he needed to be fed was causing Jenny a great deal of self-doubt and inner turmoil at an already fragile time in early mommyhood.

Now, the fact that Eli wasn't eating on a good schedule was compounded by the fact that he wasn't sleeping through the night well around eight weeks which, as we all know is the magic time when Babywise says all infants should be able to sleep for 6-8 hours straight. But as many of your readers can probably sympathize, the first question from the mouths of many well-intentioned friends and family members was, “Is he sleeping through the night yet?” I remember that my wife and I would often look at each other and silently wonder who was going to field this one and how were we going to sugarcoat it so we didn't appear to be complete and utter failures at not teaching our child how and when to eat and sleep. Yes, our short lived flirtations with trying let our son “cry it out” were nothing sort of full-fledged disasters that more often than not resulted in everyone being reduced to tears.

Now, I'm not sure how or when the conversation took place, or over what length of time it took to come to the conclusion that we did. My poor wife, who by the way, is an absolutely terrific and wonderful mother, was far too sleep deprived from the whole ordeal at the time and was in no condition to step back and take in the whole situation and make a command decision about the whole thing. But I think I finally had to take the reigns and make the call for the well-being of our family and marriage that we were going to give ourselves permission to nurse our son when and where he needed to be fed.

And so oftentimes, that meant responding to Eli's cries in the middle of the night. And in the best interest of getting Jenny the sleep she so desperately needed, that often meant bringing Eli back to our bed and letting him nurse himself back to sleep, while Jenny would go back to sleep herself. And to be honest, I personally enjoyed having Eli in our bed. Granted, he wasn't the most still sleeper. We'd often wake up with a fist or foot in our nose. But there wasn't much more that I enjoyed than waking up seeing the two of them next to me and getting to steal a little time cuddling with my son. And I'm sure there are some Babywise parents who would be shocked to know that our marriage was not ruined or assigned any less significance when our son slept with us in bed.

And for the first time in our short stint in parenthood, we had a real peace about things. And no, it had nothing to do with our son eating on a predetermined schedule, nor did Eli suddenly start sleeping through the night (that didn't happen until he was almost 13 months old).

But it had everything to do with the fact that we had come to the realization in our hearts that God had purposefully given Eli to us. And with that in mind, no books, and no experts could tell us with more authority on precisely how we were to raise our son in a way which honored him as God's creation and honored his creator back than his own parents who sought after God in making the right decisions about raising the son that He had entrusted to us.

 

As He Leads Us: On Marriage, Part Three

Our As He Leads Us discussions began with emphasizing the role of the marriage relationship in the family and continued last week with briefly touching on how parenthood can strengthen the communication in marriage.  This week we continue in our discussions on how parenting can enrich our marriages by examining the idea of increased opportunity to serve one another once the little ones come along.

In early 2008, I read a book that has had a life-changing impact on how I view the marriage relationship.  Gary Thomas’s Sacred Marriage explores how the covenant of marriage and living out an active love for our spouse can teach us how to experience God and grow to be more like Christ.  It is a profound and insightful writing that I find myself returning to again and again. 

For me, the most pivotal chapter of the book is the one titled, “Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us A Servant’s Heart.”  Throughout the chapter, Thomas reminds us “to be a Christian is to be a self-volunteering servant.”  He speaks to the fact that marriage with the intent of servanthood in mind runs completely contradictory to our cultural expectations, to say nothing of its opposition to human nature in general.  Included in the chapter is a selection from Gary and Betsy Ricucci’s book Love that Lasts in which they observe that the homemaker tending to the laundry and washing a sinkful of dirty dishes may wonder about the significance of her work.  They remind us that “in God’s eyes, nothing is more significant than servanthood.  The path to genuine greatness lies in serving.”

Throughout the chapter, Thomas looks at how marriage confronts us in our selfishness and affords us the chance to become more like Christ in our choice to serve our spouses.  He writes, “To fully sanctify the marriage relationship, we must live it together as Jesus lived his life – embracing the discipline of sacrifice and service as a daily practice.  In the same way that Jesus gave his body for us, we are to lay down our energy, our bodies, and our lives for others.”  These are challenging, convicting words, yet undeniable in the accurate picture of service modeled by Christ.

Before we had children, it was actually fairly easy to serve my husband.  Yes, I was a high school teacher with responsibilities to tend to at school, but outside of the classroom, nothing else really tugged at my time.  Of course I hung out with friends, was involved in church, participated in two book clubs, did volunteer work . . . but in our home and family life, I had the luxury and the freedom to focus my time and energy on my husband.  The true meaning of sacrifice in the context of service didn’t become real to me until after I became a mother and had unceasing demands on my time, thoughts, and energy.

What I’ve noticed, however, is that parenting from inside a framework of gently meeting the needs of our babies has allowed me to be keenly aware of my spouse’s needs as well.  In choosing a mindset of servanthood as I mother my children, it is imperative to call on Christ and ask Him to empower me in my daily tasks.  As He fills me with his Spirit, I become sensitive to the needs of others besides my children; most notably, I am sensitive to the needs of my husband. 

Kyle has risen to the task of serving me on so many occasions.  When Dacey was a newborn and I was perpetually tense with worries, he would massage my feet with lotion each night so I could relax and drift off to sleep.  When she was four months old and my body ached from days and nights of holding and rocking her, he sent me off for a ninety-minute message that felt like heaven.  There have been countless evenings when the work of the day has taken its toll on me and I don’t have it within in to prepare dinner and he has forgone “real food” and picked up take-out on his way home from work. 

For my part, I’ve chosen to iron his work shirts when I would have rather have lost myself in a new book.  I’ve stayed up to give him a shoulder rub when I would have rather slipped off to bed.  I’ve learned to plan my day so I can get a start on a healthy dinner before the chaos and meltdowns of the dinner hour hit. 

Choosing to serve another when you are well-rested and have your wits about you is noble.  Choosing the path of servanthood when you are sleep-deprived and suffering from Mommy or Daddy Brain is miraculous.  We cannot truly serve anyone without inviting the power of the Supreme Servant, our Lord Jesus Christ.  When I feel that I have nothing left with which to serve my husband, I’ve learned I must turn to Scripture for encouragement and prayer for empowerment.  For example, I might turn to Romans 5:5 and be reminded “God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.”  And then I might pray something like, “Father God, please fill my heart with your love, a love that is not selfish or self-seeking, but a love that esteems and serves others.  Please fill me with your Spirit that I might serve you by serving Kyle today.” 

I can say without a doubt that having children has enriched our marriage in boundless ways because parenthood has spurred me on towards service in ways I never knew possible before.

Before I spur you on to share your feedback, I have to make a confession.  I wrote this entry as part of our chapter on marriage, and I was in much more wholly rested and serene place.  Kyle was out of town last week, and so of course I didn't sleep well.  And now AJ is cutting all four cuspids at once which means she is clingy and cranky during the day and is up for long stretches at night.  I don't really feel like serving anyone today; all I really want to do is stumble zombie-like back to my bed and hide from everyone under the covers.  So what I've shared above is definitely the ideal in my life . . . the reality is that this is so much easier to write about than to live out. 

Having said that, what is your take on the the notion of serving one another within the context of marriage?  Can you tell about a time when your spouse has served you in a way that made a significant impact on your life?  How have you been able to answer Christ's call to service for your spouse?  Has parenthood enriched or stifled your ability to serve your spouse?  All viewpoints and feedback welcome!